The Unspeakable Place

I had a professor in graduate school that we affectionately called, “Yoda.” He was a wise, awkward man who looked and spoke like Yoda. His psychotherapy courses contained readings that required a general knowledge of calculus in order to fully understand. I, of course, dropped out of my high school calculus course to avoid receiving an inevitable failing grade. I would read Bion’s and Bollas’ depiction of object relations psychotherapy and comprehend very little of the content and yet I knew somewhere in the depths of my mind I was grasping something. Frequently I commented in class, “I know this makes sense, and I know a part of me understands it, but I simply cannot find the language to communicate it.” Eight years later, I still do not have the language.

When I think of the soul and its encounters with God the same struggle to find language and words emerges. Rudolf Otto coined encounters with God as Numinous. The Numinous experience is something wholly other and outside human reason. Something holy, something sacred happens and it transcends all language and meaning. My favorite passage of Scripture is in Exodus where Moses has a Numinous experience. He is taken to the mountain top and asks to see God’s face. Yaweh tucked Moses into a crevice and covered his face until the Glory had passed him. The hand lifted off of Moses to reveal the back of Yaweh. Moses descended the mountain radiating light, for he had seen and experienced God directly. But even Moses did not see the LORD face-to-face for surely it would have destroyed him.

I was twenty-two when I had my first Numinous experience. I had led a group of high school students up to the top of Roan Mountain on the border of Tennessee and North Carolina. I had climbed this mountain ridge several times and I knew its terrain well. On this particular June day, a cloud rolled in and covered the mountain top. I could not see my hand in front of my face. The wind howled so loud I could not hear myself talk. A part of me worried about the students I was responsible for, but in a moment all that worry lost. I found myself utterly alone. It what seemed like an eternity, I sat naked before God. I wanted to hide my face, to cover my shame, but in that moment I knew all was exposed and there was no where to run. My soul encountered God in a way that language cannot describe. It exceeded logic and reasoning. It was both terrifying and comforting. I often wonder if this is how Moses felt during his mountain top experience.

I have since returned to that mountain several times and create an altar of stones as a remembrance that this was and is a sacred place. Each time I secretly hope for a Numinous moment but know that I cannot force it to happen.