Searching for Sacred

I am confronted with my obsession with image. I want to look the part, whatever part I deem desirable. As a teenager, I would always take books or homework with me on babysitting jobs. After I would put the kids to bed did I crack the books? No. I watched television. That is I watched until I heard the parents approach the house at which time I would turn off the television and pretend to be absorbed in brainy activity. I repeated this same craziness in college with my roommates. I wanted to maintain the image of hardworking student. I feared being seen as lazy. As I entered my twenties, the obsession with image continued. I wanted to be seen as a healthy eater. I was already in the habit of not stocking the pantry with cookies. Truth be told, my lack of buying sweets was rooted in not wanting people to see junk food in my grocery cart. With my husband, the focus shifted to hiding my sweet tooth. It was not until over a year into our marriage that my husband found out I liked junk f...

This Lenten season is off to a rough start. For me, it is about two things: overcoming my caffeine addiction and quieting my life enough to "hear" God. Caffeine.   My drug of choice.   I was drinking a pot of coffee a day splashed with an occasional afternoon diet coke.   Honestly, I was unaware of how out of control my addiction to this stimulant was in my life.   Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday I was met with pounding headaches and waves of nausea.   The clanging was so loud, it was difficult to concentrate.   Saturday it moved to my neck and back.   On a positive note, it was so bad that my husband and I visited our friends at the Chinese Foot Massage and got a bonus date night.   Yesterday, it finally started to alleviate, and this morning I am feeling a bit more like myself.   As my head clears, it saddens me that I had so much physiological addiction to a stimulant.   I needed another fuel to get me going in the morning. ...

It is the second day of Lent.  I picked up a good read from the bookstore -- The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything:  A Spirituality for Real Life, by James Martin, SJ.  I read another of his books last year about his life with the Saints and enjoyed his wit and wisdom, and thought I would give this a go while waiting for my "more serious" Lenten reading to arrive from Amazon -- not due until February 28.  I am a fifth of the way into the book and am impressed.  Fr. Martin speaks of our quest for God and who exactly God is to us.  He grew up with "God the Problem Solver."  This God worked until he encountered problems that were not solved.  I made my own list of gods I have relationship with -- God the Absent One, God the Silent, God the Passive, God the Abandoner.  Wow, I sat back and realized my list was quite negative and still filled with so much anger.  I got a little quieter -- God the Suffering On...

Today is "Fat Tuesday."  The day before Lent.  Mardi Gras parties are happening in my children's classrooms.  I celebrated with Girl Scout cookies for breakfast and am thinking about a big, juicy cheeseburger for lunch.  Eat and drink up today -- get the gluttony out of our systems, for tomorrow it abruptly ends. "Fat Tuesday" could just as easily describe my last eight months.  The near twenty pounds I gained confirm it.  I slipped into a cycle of managing my emotional life with food and drink.  Bored?  Eat a cookie.  Angry?  Eat two cookies.  Still angry?  Eat the box of cookies.  Tired and sluggish?  Drink a pot of coffee.  Frustrated by the stress of the day?  Drink a beer.  The cycle triggered shame -- eating in secret with hopes that even I would not notice what I was doing.  But I began to see it.  I knew I was out of control.  I could not deny that my pants stopp...