This Lenten season is off to
a rough start. For me, it is about two things: overcoming my caffeine addiction
and quieting my life enough to "hear" God.
Caffeine. My drug of choice. I was drinking a pot of coffee a day splashed with an occasional afternoon diet coke. Honestly, I was unaware of how out of control my addiction to this stimulant was in my life. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday I was met with pounding headaches and waves of nausea. The clanging was so loud, it was difficult to concentrate. Saturday it moved to my neck and back. On a positive note, it was so bad that my husband and I visited our friends at the Chinese Foot Massage and got a bonus date night. Yesterday, it finally started to alleviate, and this morning I am feeling a bit more like myself.
As my head clears, it saddens me that I had so much physiological addiction to a stimulant. I needed another fuel to get me going in the morning. That life alone was not waking me up and providing my energy. I am realizing that it is difficult to be wholly myself as long as a chemical is altering my personality. I had previously written caffeine off as a benign drug – it is not illegal and readily available. After going through withdrawal and detox, I must reexamine my assumptions and watch more closely those things which have a hold on me.
The side effects of withdrawal made it difficult to concentrate and notice God’s presence around me. Regardless, God has not been invisible and I have not been completely blinded. Here are a few things I have noticed.
I see God at work through my children. Our beloved dwarf hamster died on Saturday. My oldest was not sad because it meant that she would get to use her Christmas money and buy a regular sized hamster (Prudy joined our house on Sunday.) Saturday night, I was doing my usual routine of songs and prayers with each child when my youngest began praying with deepest sincerity that God would bring Frannie (the dead hamster) back to life. I had the painful job of explaining death and “hamster heaven.” For a moment she seemed okay – Frannie was running in heaven with her Mamaw who was still probably afraid of her. I moved up the bunk bed and began doing prayers with my oldest when I heard my youngest begin singing a very sweet song about Frannie, and then very sweet and sincere sobbing . . . “but I miss her. And I love her.” Such purity! Not afraid to approach God with anything (she frequently prays for pixie dust and the gift of flight.) And she is not afraid to let her heart feel deeply and express itself with honesty. She, in her wise four-year-old ways has much to teach me about desire and approaching God with total freedom.
I see God’s presence when my son asks for three hugs and kisses at bedtime because he “loves me extra much.” And when my oldest, who is in kindergarten, announces on her own volition that she has given up the iPad for Lent and began teaching her younger siblings about sacrifice and giving up something you love. God’s presence is in our house.
As I have struggled to pray, especially presenting personal desires before God, I have begun to witness God’s presence here. Over the last couple of years, I have been praying for friendships and a community to belong to. This prayer is coming to fruition. I have other moms I am beginning to hang out with. After the 9:00 Mass, there is coffee and donut time. I have moved from standing off at a table alone with my family to watching our kids play with their school friends while I am engaged in meaningful conversation with friends. It has taken time, but the prayer is being answered. I am learning to trust God with the desires of my heart.
And now that my head is actually clear, I sit in anticipation at what surprises are awaiting me around the corner.
Caffeine. My drug of choice. I was drinking a pot of coffee a day splashed with an occasional afternoon diet coke. Honestly, I was unaware of how out of control my addiction to this stimulant was in my life. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday I was met with pounding headaches and waves of nausea. The clanging was so loud, it was difficult to concentrate. Saturday it moved to my neck and back. On a positive note, it was so bad that my husband and I visited our friends at the Chinese Foot Massage and got a bonus date night. Yesterday, it finally started to alleviate, and this morning I am feeling a bit more like myself.
As my head clears, it saddens me that I had so much physiological addiction to a stimulant. I needed another fuel to get me going in the morning. That life alone was not waking me up and providing my energy. I am realizing that it is difficult to be wholly myself as long as a chemical is altering my personality. I had previously written caffeine off as a benign drug – it is not illegal and readily available. After going through withdrawal and detox, I must reexamine my assumptions and watch more closely those things which have a hold on me.
The side effects of withdrawal made it difficult to concentrate and notice God’s presence around me. Regardless, God has not been invisible and I have not been completely blinded. Here are a few things I have noticed.
I see God at work through my children. Our beloved dwarf hamster died on Saturday. My oldest was not sad because it meant that she would get to use her Christmas money and buy a regular sized hamster (Prudy joined our house on Sunday.) Saturday night, I was doing my usual routine of songs and prayers with each child when my youngest began praying with deepest sincerity that God would bring Frannie (the dead hamster) back to life. I had the painful job of explaining death and “hamster heaven.” For a moment she seemed okay – Frannie was running in heaven with her Mamaw who was still probably afraid of her. I moved up the bunk bed and began doing prayers with my oldest when I heard my youngest begin singing a very sweet song about Frannie, and then very sweet and sincere sobbing . . . “but I miss her. And I love her.” Such purity! Not afraid to approach God with anything (she frequently prays for pixie dust and the gift of flight.) And she is not afraid to let her heart feel deeply and express itself with honesty. She, in her wise four-year-old ways has much to teach me about desire and approaching God with total freedom.
I see God’s presence when my son asks for three hugs and kisses at bedtime because he “loves me extra much.” And when my oldest, who is in kindergarten, announces on her own volition that she has given up the iPad for Lent and began teaching her younger siblings about sacrifice and giving up something you love. God’s presence is in our house.
As I have struggled to pray, especially presenting personal desires before God, I have begun to witness God’s presence here. Over the last couple of years, I have been praying for friendships and a community to belong to. This prayer is coming to fruition. I have other moms I am beginning to hang out with. After the 9:00 Mass, there is coffee and donut time. I have moved from standing off at a table alone with my family to watching our kids play with their school friends while I am engaged in meaningful conversation with friends. It has taken time, but the prayer is being answered. I am learning to trust God with the desires of my heart.
And now that my head is actually clear, I sit in anticipation at what surprises are awaiting me around the corner.
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