A Grace Disguised: Blessings from a Hysterectomy

I lost my uterus on Monday, or more accurately, my uterus was surgically removed. And along with it, a snowman shaped fibroid tumor with a grapefruit-sized base and an orange for a top. What I discovered in this process was a mound of blessings that are continuing to surprise me.

Blessing #1: On May 26, 2008, I gave birth to full-term twins (37 months and 2 days), both clearing the six-pound mark. My fibroid protected them by preventing them from descending down into the birth canal. They were allowed to fully develop before entering this world.  Thank you, Mr. Fibroid for keeping my children safe.

Blessing #2: In the weeks leading up to my surgery, I confronted a layer of trauma and pain that needed to be dealt with. See “’Z” for Zeal’” to know the details.

Blessing #3: A couple of days before surgery, I had an “aha” moment. I realized that I am surrounded by a community that provides different things. While this sounds somewhat obvious, I was expecting one particular person in my life to meet all my emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. This was simply not fair to that person. The idea that one person would be able to meet everything is also contradictory to the Christian theology that we are the body of Christ – we all have different parts to play. What I came to know is that I was surrounded by so many different parts of the body. Some were medical professionals who tended to my physical needs. I had friends step forward who let me “freak out” about the magnitude of this loss. They held me emotionally. I was surrounded by people offering prayers. And other logistical people came forward to take care of the kids, provide transportation, cook meals, do laundry, etc. People did what they could; they did what they were good at. The parts came together and this week has run unbelievably smooth.

Blessing #4: My husband has been my hero. I have always been an independent who doesn’t need anything kind of a woman. This generalized into my relationship with my husband – I did not believe that I needed him for anything. This week, I needed him. I let myself need him. And he was there. He was there to listen. There to sit. There to take care of things. When I let go of my control issues, when I stopped micromanaging our household, I created space for Bill to be Bill. And I have not been disappointed.

Blessing #5: I stopped fighting against myself. I stopped insisting that I can do everything on my own; that asking for help is a sign of weakness. It finally became okay to have needs and wants. It became okay to be vulnerable. The last few times I have been hospitalized (2 childbirths and emergency gall bladder surgery this past April) I have fought against any help. I grew angry and irritable with those who wanted to help me. I was a terrible patient. This time, something clicked. It was okay to be a patient for I was surrounded by a community who was willing to walk through this with me. From nurses who rubbed my arm as I went under anesthesia, to my friends and family being physically and emotionally present, to the preschool staff at my kids school who sent cards and Pizza Hut gift cards, I was being held by the Body of Christ. And you know, it feels pretty great to be cared for and loved. I feel like I belong to a community; that I am valued simply because I am a fellow human being. I did nothing to earn such an outpouring of tenderness. I got to experience what Grace is truly about.

So it took major surgery to get to this point. I would not recommend having a full abdominal hysterectomy to learn such lessons, but I would not trade the space it has brought me to for anything.

And now to experience blessing #6. My ovaries stayed put, so I have no major hormonal change. And now I am thirty-four years old, and never ever, ever again have to experience PMS or another menstrual cycle. Free tampons at my house for anyone willing to come pick them up!