Lent began today. I went to the Ash Wednesday Mass this morning and the homily focused on the words, ‘grievous sins.’ The priest asked if anyone knew what the word ‘grievous’ meant and a young student raised his hand ready to answer (this was also an all-school Mass.) The student said, “Like General Grievous?” Yes, Star Wars made it into Mass this morning, and the priest ran with it. He said, "Yes, like that because he was a bad guy". A light-hearted laughter filled the church, and then it shifted to a serious tone – a grievous sin is a serious sin. It is something that causes severe grief, pain, or suffering.
A few months ago, I began to notice how uncomfortable I was with the word “sin.” Upon further reflection, became aware that I had basically removed it from my vocabulary over the past several years. I had much nicer words to use – infraction, slip-up, fault, wrongdoing, a mistake. These words are applicable in many cases. If I forgot to pour my child milk for breakfast, that would be a mistake, not a sin. But when in a moment of parental frustration I tell my child, “I am done!” in a tone that suggests I am done being a mother, I am done with our relationship, I am done caring about my child, well, if I am honest, that falls into the category of grievous sin. In my anger I caused harm to another. My child had panic stricken across her face. I could see the doubt of love begin to creep across her eyes. I put a ding in our relationship. I repaired our relationship. We still love one another. But I cannot help but wonder what lasting impression that ding (or other future dings and dents) will have. Yes, it was a mistake. Yes, I admitted I was wrong to say such harsh words. Yes, I apologized to my child and asked for forgiveness. But to limit my description as a wrong-doing and a mistake is to short-change the reality and impact of sin.
We live in an individual-focused culture. It is all about the “me.” We are independent and proud, and I am the first to jump on this bandwagon. If I make a mistake, it is my consequence to contend with. But sin, grievous sin, is beyond the individual. It is to contend with the reality that my choices and behaviors impact more than just my own little world. It damages the Community, the world, and Christ. As I, a parent, sin against my children it makes it all the more difficult for them to understand a loving God. They lose sight of their worthiness. Their self-respect declines. They have less of a positive impact on the world around them. And perhaps my sins are carried forth for generations to come. My grievous sins impact beyond what I can grasp. This is a serious matter. It is not just about me and my personal relationship with God.
So I am reintegrating the word “sin” into my life. I need to continual be reminded of the serious consequences my sins can cause. I need to stop minimizing its magnitude.
But I also cannot beat myself up. I sinned against my child, and unfortunately it probably will not be the last. Try as I might, I have yet to reach perfection. What I can do is allow the magnitude of my sinfulness to sink into the depths of my soul. And as that sinks in, I am reminded of my own wretchedness. But it cannot stop there. I can rest in the mercy of God’s tenderness. But I still cannot stop even there. I must then allow grace to transform me. I must take this transformed soul back into the world around me. I must shine forth with the grace that saved a wretch like me.
A few months ago, I began to notice how uncomfortable I was with the word “sin.” Upon further reflection, became aware that I had basically removed it from my vocabulary over the past several years. I had much nicer words to use – infraction, slip-up, fault, wrongdoing, a mistake. These words are applicable in many cases. If I forgot to pour my child milk for breakfast, that would be a mistake, not a sin. But when in a moment of parental frustration I tell my child, “I am done!” in a tone that suggests I am done being a mother, I am done with our relationship, I am done caring about my child, well, if I am honest, that falls into the category of grievous sin. In my anger I caused harm to another. My child had panic stricken across her face. I could see the doubt of love begin to creep across her eyes. I put a ding in our relationship. I repaired our relationship. We still love one another. But I cannot help but wonder what lasting impression that ding (or other future dings and dents) will have. Yes, it was a mistake. Yes, I admitted I was wrong to say such harsh words. Yes, I apologized to my child and asked for forgiveness. But to limit my description as a wrong-doing and a mistake is to short-change the reality and impact of sin.
We live in an individual-focused culture. It is all about the “me.” We are independent and proud, and I am the first to jump on this bandwagon. If I make a mistake, it is my consequence to contend with. But sin, grievous sin, is beyond the individual. It is to contend with the reality that my choices and behaviors impact more than just my own little world. It damages the Community, the world, and Christ. As I, a parent, sin against my children it makes it all the more difficult for them to understand a loving God. They lose sight of their worthiness. Their self-respect declines. They have less of a positive impact on the world around them. And perhaps my sins are carried forth for generations to come. My grievous sins impact beyond what I can grasp. This is a serious matter. It is not just about me and my personal relationship with God.
So I am reintegrating the word “sin” into my life. I need to continual be reminded of the serious consequences my sins can cause. I need to stop minimizing its magnitude.
But I also cannot beat myself up. I sinned against my child, and unfortunately it probably will not be the last. Try as I might, I have yet to reach perfection. What I can do is allow the magnitude of my sinfulness to sink into the depths of my soul. And as that sinks in, I am reminded of my own wretchedness. But it cannot stop there. I can rest in the mercy of God’s tenderness. But I still cannot stop even there. I must then allow grace to transform me. I must take this transformed soul back into the world around me. I must shine forth with the grace that saved a wretch like me.
Thank you, Heather.
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