From an Easter Point of View

Lent seemed especially long this year.  I found myself growing angry and irritable towards the end.  Perhaps this had to do with my inability/unwillingness to actually surrender my sugar addiction.  Or maybe it was the lack of morning coffee and thus my morning routine of having a few cups alone in peace and quiet before the rest of my household woke up.  Or perhaps it was the fact that this winter seemed to stretch an exceptionally long time.  Snow on Palm Sunday . . . a foot of snow by that Monday.   I like snow.  In fact, I love snow.  A foot of snow at the end of March when I am ready to prep the garden, well, that is an entirely different story.

Now that we are in the midst of the Easter season, I can look back with 20/20 hindsight and observe.

My first observation:  I still try on my own accord to be a disciplined person and I fail miserably.  When I think about the source of my motivations, they are rooted more in being in control and feeling secure.  If I restrict my eating, then I will be thin, and if I am thin I will feel confident and secure in who I am.  If I am confident, I will be able to silence the little voices in my head that are critical and constantly comparing myself to other women.  While I am not opposed to being thin and healthy, I am telling myself a lie if I believe that with a thin body my insecurity and feelings of awkwardness will suddenly go away.  It may help, but the core issue remains.

One of my favorite, and most influential authors died this week.  Brennan Manning, author of The Ragamuffin Gospel, Signature of Jesus, Abba's Child, and many others was one who knew about grace, forgiveness, and the root of security.  A drunk who found himself in the gutters (literally), found his identity in Jesus.  His security was firmly rooted in God's grace.  I think I need to be re-reminded again -- grace, grace, grace.  This is not throwing discipline out with trash.  We need boundaries and structure.  I need limits and rhythm in my life.  Discipline brings these things.  But discipline without grace -- that is just mean.  And mean is what I have been to myself.  Discipline to punish my body for being overweight without first having unconditional grace and acceptance.  No wonder why I was so angry!

My second observation:  parenting with simplicity.  This could be a second blog title.  I grew up with a lot of advantage -- private school, vacations in the Caribbean.  My eyes have been blind to my own internal pressure that I must provide my own children with the same advantage.  Our children attend a private school with a lot of wealthy families along with many other average earning families like us.  While I have said I do not believe in keeping up with the Jones, my soul was filled with envy at what other families are able to do for their children.  Sorry kiddo, I do not have hundreds of dollars to throw you an extravagant party and give you an iTouch for your birthday.  A part of me has felt guilty for this.  Another part has struggled with envy and dislike towards those families that are able to do such things.  I judge them harshly.

This spring break, we rented a family cabin in Brown County.  Two days of no cell phones, no TV, no iPads, just time together as a family.  We hiked, swam, played cards, and cuddled on the couch.  It was simple.  Nothing flashy.  Our children cannot wait to go back.  A good reminder -- they desire time and our undivided attention.  This is the best I can give is an emotionally present me and my unconditional love.  There is nothing they can do to earn it or increase its quantity.  Their security and enjoyment of life comes from knowing they are loved and allowing that love to enter and engage their lives.  A good lesson for their insecure mama.

Lent brought no major "ah-ha" moments.  No grand signs from heaven or mountains moved.  Instead I was nudged further along the path of surrender.  Baby steps . . .