I am recognizing two large pieces of baggage which are growing quite uncomfortable in my backpack. I think it is time to stop and unload a bit. The first piece is a massive, heavy blob of seeking acceptance from others. So much of my "achievement" list is rooted in trying to get an affirmation from others, or at least allowing letters behind my name be proof enough that I am worthy, competent, and have something to offer the world. So much of my tendencies toward gossip and putting others down is rooting in finding acceptance. If I slam someone down behind their back and get you to agree with me that person X is the biggest jerk in the world, then I know you are on my side. I feel a little less alone and a lot more affirmed. Until guilt sets in and I feel bad for speaking so negatively about another person.
And if I feel myself a failure, or allow myself to get too comfortable with my insecurities, then I search for faults in others in order to feel less alone (and slightly better than myself because at least I do not do such and such.) And this leads to my second piece of baggage, insecurity. My security is wrapped up in how I compare to others -- I should be more of this and less of that.
When I allow my insecurity to focus its attention on gaining approval from others, I come up empty handed. I am beginning to see it as greed. Someone gives me a quick assurance and I want more. I want more than what others are able to give. I want others to fill my empty void, to quiet my insecure heart, and assure me that all is well. But it is not their job. I say this, not to diminish the role of Community and the Body of Christ. I do believe we are the incarnational hands and feet of Christ's love. But, we are human. We fall short. We disappoint. Our love, though usually pure and compassionate is nothing compared to the love of Christ. I grow disappointed with my fellow human friend because I expect to receive what only Christ is able to fully give.
The point of this ramble -- stop looking for temporary, quick fixes to satisfy my deepest longing that only God can fulfill. Stop expecting more from others -- being greedy and asking for what is not available to give. And be grateful with what is offered.
My heart has not exactly been open to Jesus being my first love and source of fulfillment. My heart has been guarded and resistant at the idea of falling in love; of being written into the greatest love story of all time. But this is exactly the story my soul seeks to be written into. While I love having the honor of being a part of the rich narrative of the Community of Christ and to the world around me, I need this to first be rooted in God's story.
In college, I fell in love with a Rich Mullins song that was never professionally recorded before his death. There were several songs that were recorded by Rich singing in an old church. They were the 10 songs about Jesus and released in The Jesus Record. Within this album, one song jumped out at me and I remember playing it over and over again in my car. It was the cry of my heart, "Jesus, write me into your story. Whisper it to me, and let me know I am yours." I loved it so much, that my roommate had the lyrics printed and framed for me as a gift -- it is still in that frame. Even through the years when I did not love Jesus, I never could bring myself to destroy the picture or the CD (though there were several moments I wanted to slam them against the wall.) And now, 15 years later, after a walking many miles with a hardened and angry heart, and years of it healing and growing soft again, the song once again becomes the cry of my soul.
You can watch a rough version of the song below.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qkf0_8ORz4I
And if I feel myself a failure, or allow myself to get too comfortable with my insecurities, then I search for faults in others in order to feel less alone (and slightly better than myself because at least I do not do such and such.) And this leads to my second piece of baggage, insecurity. My security is wrapped up in how I compare to others -- I should be more of this and less of that.
When I allow my insecurity to focus its attention on gaining approval from others, I come up empty handed. I am beginning to see it as greed. Someone gives me a quick assurance and I want more. I want more than what others are able to give. I want others to fill my empty void, to quiet my insecure heart, and assure me that all is well. But it is not their job. I say this, not to diminish the role of Community and the Body of Christ. I do believe we are the incarnational hands and feet of Christ's love. But, we are human. We fall short. We disappoint. Our love, though usually pure and compassionate is nothing compared to the love of Christ. I grow disappointed with my fellow human friend because I expect to receive what only Christ is able to fully give.
The point of this ramble -- stop looking for temporary, quick fixes to satisfy my deepest longing that only God can fulfill. Stop expecting more from others -- being greedy and asking for what is not available to give. And be grateful with what is offered.
My heart has not exactly been open to Jesus being my first love and source of fulfillment. My heart has been guarded and resistant at the idea of falling in love; of being written into the greatest love story of all time. But this is exactly the story my soul seeks to be written into. While I love having the honor of being a part of the rich narrative of the Community of Christ and to the world around me, I need this to first be rooted in God's story.
In college, I fell in love with a Rich Mullins song that was never professionally recorded before his death. There were several songs that were recorded by Rich singing in an old church. They were the 10 songs about Jesus and released in The Jesus Record. Within this album, one song jumped out at me and I remember playing it over and over again in my car. It was the cry of my heart, "Jesus, write me into your story. Whisper it to me, and let me know I am yours." I loved it so much, that my roommate had the lyrics printed and framed for me as a gift -- it is still in that frame. Even through the years when I did not love Jesus, I never could bring myself to destroy the picture or the CD (though there were several moments I wanted to slam them against the wall.) And now, 15 years later, after a walking many miles with a hardened and angry heart, and years of it healing and growing soft again, the song once again becomes the cry of my soul.
You can watch a rough version of the song below.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qkf0_8ORz4I
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