“If we love God and love others in Him, we will be glad to
let suffering destroy anything in us that God is pleased to let it destroy,
because we know that all it destroys in unimportant. We will prefer to let the accidental trash of
life be consumed by suffering in order that His glory may come out clean in
everything we do.” Thomas Merton, No Man in an Island
We as a society do not like to suffer. A billion dollar industry exists to medicate
away our pain, sadness, worries, and discomforts. We have complex coping skills to dull the
pain of life. We watch television, zone
out with computer games, sleep too much, drink too much, stuff ourselves with
comfort food – anything that will allow us a temporary escape from that which
causes discomfort. What do we lose by avoiding the path of
suffering? As Merton suggests in the
above quote, suffering provides an opportunity to purify our intentions and
longings. In suffering we have the
chance to reprioritize – to deep clean the closets of our lives and purge the
waste.
I find myself ambivalent in regards to suffering. There is a comfort in the darkness suffering brings. In suffering, I can curl up with
the accompanying sadness and live in an illusion that I am hiding and cannot be
found. My own darkness finds an affinity
with suffering – a dark comfort. I know this
place. I understand this place. It is here I believe I am invisible – my shame,
my embarrassment, my regrets, my failures tucked away in the crevices of my
secret suffering. In the pain of
suffering I am keenly aware of my failings but I hold the illusion that this
awareness brings a sense of control. And
with control, I determine who sees it.
It is in this sense, I am drawn to suffering.
And like most of us, I work hard to avoid suffering. Staying busy, using coping techniques to
silence the pings of pain and discomfort for I do not want to feel the hurt. I do not want to experience the loneliness
that my fears and avoidance of intimacy bring me. I do not want to experience the stomach
churning guilt that follows the bad choices I most recently made. I do not want the burden of shame that comes
from not doing what I know I am called to do.
I want to put my game face on, my “I am just fine” face and pretend I
have it all together.
And then I read Merton.
I am challenged once again to look at the role of suffering. Curling up with suffering and the choice to
avoid it are both self-centered and self-serving. Suffering is still about me – woe is me, for
I have many troubles. Or, look at me, I
am strong, perfect, and have my life together (as I smile to cloak the large
pile of crap behind me.) Instead of the
selfish I can try an entirely new paradigm, suffering as the opportunity to
love more deeply, to love more purely.
In grad school we had a term, AFGE – “Another F****** Growth
Experience.” Studying to be a therapist
meant a lot of time in supervision groups that forced us to look at our own
defense mechanisms and our own dark corners that hold the potential to hinder
our ability to empathize and be a healing presence with another. Every time something new was uncovered, it
hurt. But it also provided the
opportunity to do something about it. It
was now in my awareness, and in this light I had the choice to continue the old
pattern or find a new path of freedom.
Brought into the light, that which I had hidden away out of fear it would
destroy me and everything in its path suddenly lost its power.
In suffering, we have that same opportunity. If we so choose, we can allow it to expose
the dark corners of our soul. It can
break the chains so that we can love more freely. Hiding and covering my darkness takes a lot
of energy – energy that could be spent on loving God and my neighbor.
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