Skip to main content

Fork in the Road


I used to half-heartedly joke that God is gracious enough to not expose all of my character flaws and sinfulness all at once for surely if I looked at it in its entirety it would destroy me.  Rather than seeing all that falls short of perfection, layers are gently peeled back and I am given the option to address what has been exposed or throw on my defenses of denial, intellectualism, justification, rationalization, minimization, and a whole battery of “tions” and pretend it does not exist.  Every now and then, a REALLY BIG area is exposed, one that is painful and difficult to look at. It is that one that I will fight tooth and nail to ignore; exhaust great emotional energy to avoid.  This week, with the onset of Advent, such a layer has opened up and I find myself at the fork in the road.

Advent.  The season of hope, waiting, and anticipation of full redemption.  It is also recognition that we are living in the space between the Incarnation of Christ’s birth and the waiting for Christ’s return.  I am currently wordless in thinking about full redemption.  Something is churning in my soul – the groaning of the Spirit that knows something big is happening within but I must wait.  Wait to see what is birthed.  Wait and see what I will do with what is revealed.

As the layer is peeled back I can see what is underneath and at first glance, it is not pretty.  I prayed for the coming of full redemption; eagerly desiring to know the fullness of hope, love, and grace.  This nasty layer reveals a huge road block in my movement toward what my soul most wants.  I am face to face with my own self-hatred and loathing.  Confronting the part of me that believes I do not deserve love, grace, kindness – that part that sabotages opportunities for goodness, kindness, and gentleness.  That part of me that fears intimacy because the thought of you, God, or anyone else seeing these nasty corners of my life is too much to handle.  We can call it low self-esteem (I am a child of the 80’s where everyone is good; everyone is a winner.)  We can call it shame.  And most have some dose of this in our lives but we are good at covering it up.  I am really good at using achievements to keep you from seeing my nasties -- even better at using envy and pride to keep myself from seeing it.

This is my fork in the road.  Do I do something about this self-hatred?  Do I allow it to be exposed in order to be redeemed?  Before every Communion, there is a ritual to kneel and pray this prayer, “Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.”  This is the same prayer the Roman Centurion said to Jesus as he begged for his servant to be healed.  The question for me, am I willing to risk the unknown journey of healing?  Something big can happen.  Something new can be birthed.  Will I allow it? 

Last night, I spent the evening with a room full of first grade Daisy Scouts.  The topic was friendships around the world.   One of our leaders had the girls draw self-portraits to show how we are both different and similar.  All the pictures were full of happy faces – they were swinging, swimming, pretending to be something from one’s imagination.  They were all full of innocence and a zeal for life.  One girl wrote in huge letters, “I LOVE ME!”  If we truly believe we are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that we are given the gift of redemption and grace because we are so deeply loved, then should this not be on all our papers?  This child was not being proud and bragging.  I saw in her a celebration and recognition that she has been wonderfully made (maybe I am projecting and it really was a case of 7-year-old egoism, but I am choosing to see this as a lesson.) 

Love God and love your neighbor.  True love is both given and received.  The mark of real intimacy is the two-sided nature of the relationship.  I can do acts of love, service, and charity in the name of God and as a token of love for my neighbor, but until I am willing to receive that love, the true gift of full redemption remains just beyond the road block of self-hatred.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cave Walls

I am reading a book on Mother Teresa.   She is a mysterious woman, not much is known about her early years.   She spent nearly the first 20 years of her time as a nun working behind closed walls of a school in India.   There is no record of her venturing out into the slums and working directly with the poor during this time at the school.   One day, she had a vision to venture out beyond the walls of her comfort zone and live side by side with the poor.   It more time of formalities and bureaucracy before she was permitted to start her own Order, The Missionaries of Charity, and move outside the safety of her walls. I have spent the last few weeks meditating on my own walls.   More specifically, meditating on the walls of the wolf cave I find myself in (see the last blog for more details).   I have continued to meditate on “The Lord is My Shepherd” and experienced shifts in my soul.   I started with an image of me being alone in a dark, col...
1 comment
Read more

Losing my cool

If I could be any character in a play, it would be Jo March from Little Women.     Feisty, opinionated, tom-boy, not enjoying the dress-up activities that come with femininity, a closet writer . . . characteristics I know well.   There is a beautiful scene where Jo loses her temper (for the hundredth time) and Marmie comes to her side and talks about her own struggles with controlling her temper.   We never see the fighter in Marmie, but with her words she assures Jo she understands all too well her temperament.   I had a Jo and Marmie moment with my oldest today.  Ironically, her middle name is Josephine naming her after Jo March.   She lost her temper and threw her brother’s hair gel across the room leaving a trail of goop long and wide.   I saw the mess, grabbed paper towels, and firmly directed her toward the destructive path that was her responsibility to clean.   This then triggered a meltdown in the midst of the morning hustle o...
2 comments
Read more

Shitholes

For the last year, I have been shaking my head.   #45 opens his mouth, blasts a tweet, and continues to display rash, impulsive, racist, sexist, narcissistic behavior and I shake my head in disbelief.   Am I in a horrible dream?   Is this man really our president?   Is there still an enthusiastic following that justifies and excuses his behavior because he will bring socially conservative Supreme Court judges and tax breaks?   My heart breaks.   My soul aches.   Yes, this is the country I live in.   Yes, world, this is the one chosen by the electoral college to represent who we are.   I am embarrassed.   I can no longer sit back and shake my head.   I am looking for a new verb of social action to define my response to this nightmare. We as a nation are sitting upon a wealth of potential to end poverty and economic disparity, but we are choosing to blame the poor, the broken, the impoverished for our economic woes.   Germany...
1 comment
Read more