Losing Control (or Laughing Until It Hurts)

A huge part of my current mid-life awakening is to address this part of me that is stoic – this part of me that is an emotional idiot.  It is one thing to know what emotions belong into each situation and then to act accordingly, but it is another to actually feel these emotions with reckless abandon.  I was/am tired of pretending my way through emotions.  Tired of only experiencing the surface of what this emotional life has to offer.  I was/am ready for the fullness of what my mind, body, spirit and emotional life has to offer.

To feel to the depths requires trust.  Trust that if I feel, I will not get hurt.  Trust that I can stay safe despite what emotional state I am encountering.  Trust that rage and despair will not choke the life out of me.  At age 40, I am trusting this process; trusting the journey that my emotional life has to offer.  Yes, I am feeling old grief and it sucks.  But on the flip side, the ups are becoming just as high as the depths, and this ride is nothing shy of fantastic.

I just came off three nights working in the ER.  This time of year, we have an increased level of acuity (those who do come in are really sick) and increased numbers of those in a psychological crisis.  This creates a new type of stress in hospital ER life.  Historically I have coped with this increased stress by putting on my big girl panties, sucking it up, and plowing through.  Get the job done – focus on the task at hand, help your coworkers with their task, and then go home and crash.  Once my run of shifts was over, it was time to really kick back with alcohol and mute the stress.  But something is shifting.  I have not had an alcoholic beverage in over a month, I journal instead of avoiding my feelings, drink tea and read good books.  In other words, I have created space to reflect and feed my soul rather than sucking it up and running on empty.

And here is the return of this investment: I am feeling joy, excitement, compassion . . . really feeling from the depths of my being.

This weekend, in between caring for ill patients, I laughed until tears rolled down my cheeks and my stomach hurt from all the jiggling.  I cannot recall the last time I lost myself in the joy of the moment – it has been far too long.  And through this laughter, the bonds with my fellow ER nurses grew deeper.  We were knee deep in incontinent patients and holding down patients who were spitting at us and screaming with wild eyes, and we needed to trust one another.  I had to trust that this team not only had my back in those moments, but then after the situation dies down and the coping mechanisms take over.  When I take the attitude of “suck it up, this is the job” I isolate myself from the shared coping; isolate from the community of caring.  This weekend, the coping was reckless laughter, high fives, practical jokes, and pats on the back.  I am blessed to be able to share my life with this community of hard-working nurses.

While my ability to laugh until tears is an amazing gift, I am noticing a growing depth of compassion that is pouring forth more naturally.  Now I find myself looking into the eyes of a scared schizophrenic and trying to provide reassurance and singing with a demented woman in attempts to calm and distract her as I place an IV.  A few months ago, I may have engaged in such acts, but now it is coming with more ease and comfort.  It no longer feels like an attempt to do the right act of compassion but rather a shift to be a comforting presence. 

This ride and the company I am traveling with is such a blessing.