Eating Crow.

Insert foot in mouth, followed by ankle, calf, knee, oh heck, just swallow the whole leg.  This was me earlier this week.  In an attempt to fit in with the group and bring humor to the table, I ended up being completely insensitive and ate a whole lot of crow. 

My obsessive brain replayed the tape over and over again for hours.  I go home, sleep, wake up and the tape started yet again.  Then the shame voice, “You are an idiot.”  The rationale voice tried to talk louder than the shame tantrum.  It was a mistake (a big one), but no one died.  There will be opportunity for repair.  I am human and I errored.  After 24 hours, my rational brain won and the obsessive loop of shame settled down.  The whispers of shame are still there, but it is no longer the dominant voice.

I spent a little extra time this morning reflecting on what exactly happened that led up to the tasty crow and the subsequent obsessive loop.  As those insensitive words rolled of my tongue, I tried to reel them back in, but it was too late.  Flash back to middle school – you know that line between cute/funny and obnoxiously rude?  As a thirteen-year-old I could never distinguish where that line was and constantly lived on the side of rude.  Back then I was thirteen and anxious, insecure, and desperately wanting to fit in.  In the throes of teenage angst, inappropriate humor was my defense.  The other night was a friendly reminder that the insecure teenager occasionally makes itself known in my forty-year-old body.  As a teen, the mission was to fit in with the group – to become the perfect chameleon.   My more centered adult self’s desire has shifted to a much deeper place of wanting to belong.   Unlike fitting in where I become who I think you want me to be, I now desire to feel connected with others.  I want to be comfortable in my own skin and accept me for who I am. 

It was a little shocking to see how quickly the shame cycle can hijack my brain.  I am still vulnerable to its powerful force.  Shame says “I am an idiot” and speaks to who I am.  Self-evaluation and healthy guilt says “I did a really idiotic thing and I need to change course of action.”  I am always surprised how I can get hooked on the bad moment and lose sight of the hundred good moments.  Shame has the power to zoom right in on the ugly and lose sight of the surrounding goodness and beauty.

Eventually, the obsessive loop stopped.  I kept quoting the great Bob Newhart “Stop it!” sketch to myself.  For your viewing pleasure, click here to watch the skit. 

On a serious note, in my morning reflection I was reminded of two different disciples of Jesus.  Both denied Christ and violated their own integrity.  Judas betrayed Christ in exchange for a bag of silver; Peter denied knowing Christ three times to save his own skin.  Judas could not accept forgiveness and mercy so he hung himself.  Peter wept and allowed grace, mercy, and forgiveness to cover him.  Peter became the Rock and founder of the Church.  One chose to stay stuck in the loop of shame.  One welcomed and embraced compassion.  When I fall short, royally screw up, and make a complete horse’s rear of myself I can look to these two disciples and choose the path of grace, forgiveness, mercy, and compassion.