Searching for Sacred

My six-year-old daughter is teaching me a lot these days (and giving me gray hair!)   If you asked her if she were loved, she is likely to tell you “No.   I have a terrible life and people are mean to me.   I do not like being me.”   She may also include that I am mean to her and not her siblings because I do not allow her to have her way and sometimes she has to wait for others to do some activity.   If you were to watch her interact at school, or really anywhere other than home, you would see a smart, kind, creative, happy little girl.   The thoughts she carries deep in her brain are so incongruent with the life she lives. The therapist in me sees warning signs for a future of depression and anxiety.   The mom in me is heartbroken that she truly has a difficulty seeing herself as loved.   If she were not my child, I would wonder what type of home environment was feeding these thoughts.   We are not a perfect family.   I a...

It is a new year.    Like most people, I made up my resolutions and goals for the year.   Unlike previous years, I have them posted on the refrigerator as a constant reminder staring at me.   And to not get so overwhelmed, I have my weekly goals taped next to my bathroom sink – small goals working toward the larger goals.   Backing up these goals is my word of the year, “BALANCE.”   This is my year of balance.   I have a history of making goals that are so extreme that I cannot possibly achieve them, or if I could achieve them it comes at a sacrifice for other more worthy efforts.    Behind balance is another word, fulfillment.    This has been a rough Indiana weather week.   Snow, subzero temps leading to being cooped up in the house for a few days.   I have not worked in nearly three weeks and my kids have yet to return to school (today is the magic day back!)   I spent the last week doing NOTHING.   ...

I am recognizing two large pieces of baggage which are growing quite uncomfortable in my backpack.  I think it is time to stop and unload a bit.  The first piece is a massive, heavy blob of seeking acceptance from others.  So much of my "achievement" list is rooted in trying to get an affirmation from others, or at least allowing letters behind my name be proof enough that I am worthy, competent, and have something to offer the world.  So much of my tendencies toward gossip and putting others down is rooting in finding acceptance.  If I slam someone down behind their back and get you to agree with me that person X is the biggest jerk in the world, then I know you are on my side. I feel a little less alone and a lot more affirmed.  Until guilt sets in and I feel bad for speaking so negatively about another person. And if I feel myself a failure, or allow myself to get too comfortable with my insecurities, then I search for faults in others in order to fee...

I left at 5:04 yesterday morning.  This is a journey of prayer, fasting, and an openness to the unexpected.  For me, prayer is including Liturgy of the Hours (readings/prayer at 6, 9, 12, 3, 6, and 9pm.)  There is an app called the Laudate that is free and will provide the readings for you.  My fasting is eating vegan/raw foods with exception to the Thanksgiving feast I plan on enjoying with my family.  I am still drinking coffee, but thinking this might eventually need to go as well.  As most pilgrimages require some type of physical endurance, I am also exercising at least 30 minutes/day. In my "backpack" -- the Liturgy of the Hours, The Inner Voice of Love by Henri Nouwen.  Other books on prayer, fasting, and saints.  The destination is December 17 (that's 49 days from now).  This will enter into Advent and preparation to meet the Baby Jesus. A report from day 1:  I was cranky and short with everyone around me.  Not exact...

When I picture the life I believe God has called me to live, I see a woman who has dignity and respect for others.   I see a woman who approaches those around her with gentleness, grace, and compassion.   I envision a woman who is not ashamed of her faith; whose life is a prayer offering.   When I reflect on this image, I am filled with assurance.   Yes, I am called to live this way.   I fall way short. In reality, I am no different that St. Peter.   I deny Christ and the life I have been called to live.   I sacrifice my identity, my integrity, and my source of true vitality in exchange for a quick laugh and fleeting approval from others. Hello, my name is Heather, and I am a sinner.    Over the past several weeks, the theme of pilgrimage has invaded my thoughts.   It started with a couple of movies, Into the Wild (about a young man who wanders the country and finally Alaska living off the land) and The Way (a film abou...

It’s Halloween time – time for costumes, pumpkins, apple bobbing   . . . and this year in our house, the first trip to the Children’s   Museum haunted house.   I am not the biggest fan of Halloween.   Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing all the creativity in costumes and sneaking a few Reece Cups from my children’s stashes, but I hate the scary side of the holiday.   Horror films?   No thank you.   I have seen enough real life scary things, I do not wish to voluntarily subject myself to further hair-raising, oh-no-I-pooped myself activities.   But I have children; children who love all the festivities of Halloween ghosts and goblins.    The haunted house.   Back in July, my children participated in the library summer reading program and one of the prizes was free tickets to the haunted house.   I remember going when I was about their age – witches having tea parties, ghosts doing a little jig.   They were excited t...