To some, especially those familiar with the grief process, acceptance may seem like the wrong place to start. After all, the five stages of grief begin with denial and ends with acceptance. Healing and grieving often go hand in hand – grieving over lost dreams, mourning of painful memories, longing for what we believe should have happened in our lives – letting go of loss allows us to take steps into hope.
Healing is accepting who we are, where we are, and where we have been. It is embracing the narrative of our lives. It is accepting the temperament of our personality, our physical appearance, and our genetic tendencies and capabilities. It is welcoming the resources we were born into including our families, our heritage, as well as our physical and temporal settings. We accept these things that are beyond our control.
Accepting who we are may sound obvious. But how many of us spend our time and energy comparing ourselves to others around us. “If only I was more like . . . then I would be happy.” Our comparison grows into jealousy and envy and before we know it we are entangled in a web of dissatisfaction. We curse our own lives and set out on a course to be more like those we admire.
At times we wish to be something else because we were taught that is what we should be. We are inundated with messages of “should” – girls should be dainty; Christians should be happy and extroverted; boys should not cry . . .. To quote a sign I read over a nun’s door, “I shall not should upon myself.”
Healing comes when we accept all of who we are. Unfortunately, “shoulding” is not our only means of self-punishment. We exert a lot of energy denying our story, shutting down our emotions, and avoiding our pain. I often describe this denial as trying to squash an elephant into a small box. It takes a lot of energy to sit atop the box and keep the elephant contained. We can never be free as long as we are worried about the elephant breaking loose.
We fear the elephant will destroy us. We fear the rejection of others if they were to see our elephant; if they see our secret shames. We fear the intense feelings may destroy others and so we hide our truth to spare them from knowing and feeling our pain. Our fear keeps us from loving ourselves as Christ loved us – unconditional and full of grace, mercy, and tenderness.
When we accept our stories, our nature, our setting, we are being honest with ourselves. Honesty requires vulnerability – risking that we might feel pain, rage, sorrow, but trusting that it will not destroy us. When we welcome the entirety of our own story with mercy and tenderness our capacity to unconditionally love one another grows. When we accept and forgive ourselves, we are more likely to forgive others. And let us not forget, for as much as we forgive one another, so we shall be forgiven.
If we are honest with ourselves, we have the opportunity to be authentic in prayer. Our intimacy and communion with God only deepens. May we continue to know more and more the depths of God’s love for us. Let us throw off our “shoulds”, fears, and self-deception – all those snares that keep up in bondage and walk towards hope and healing.
Next . . . “B” as in Be Still.
Healing is accepting who we are, where we are, and where we have been. It is embracing the narrative of our lives. It is accepting the temperament of our personality, our physical appearance, and our genetic tendencies and capabilities. It is welcoming the resources we were born into including our families, our heritage, as well as our physical and temporal settings. We accept these things that are beyond our control.
Accepting who we are may sound obvious. But how many of us spend our time and energy comparing ourselves to others around us. “If only I was more like . . . then I would be happy.” Our comparison grows into jealousy and envy and before we know it we are entangled in a web of dissatisfaction. We curse our own lives and set out on a course to be more like those we admire.
At times we wish to be something else because we were taught that is what we should be. We are inundated with messages of “should” – girls should be dainty; Christians should be happy and extroverted; boys should not cry . . .. To quote a sign I read over a nun’s door, “I shall not should upon myself.”
Healing comes when we accept all of who we are. Unfortunately, “shoulding” is not our only means of self-punishment. We exert a lot of energy denying our story, shutting down our emotions, and avoiding our pain. I often describe this denial as trying to squash an elephant into a small box. It takes a lot of energy to sit atop the box and keep the elephant contained. We can never be free as long as we are worried about the elephant breaking loose.
We fear the elephant will destroy us. We fear the rejection of others if they were to see our elephant; if they see our secret shames. We fear the intense feelings may destroy others and so we hide our truth to spare them from knowing and feeling our pain. Our fear keeps us from loving ourselves as Christ loved us – unconditional and full of grace, mercy, and tenderness.
When we accept our stories, our nature, our setting, we are being honest with ourselves. Honesty requires vulnerability – risking that we might feel pain, rage, sorrow, but trusting that it will not destroy us. When we welcome the entirety of our own story with mercy and tenderness our capacity to unconditionally love one another grows. When we accept and forgive ourselves, we are more likely to forgive others. And let us not forget, for as much as we forgive one another, so we shall be forgiven.
If we are honest with ourselves, we have the opportunity to be authentic in prayer. Our intimacy and communion with God only deepens. May we continue to know more and more the depths of God’s love for us. Let us throw off our “shoulds”, fears, and self-deception – all those snares that keep up in bondage and walk towards hope and healing.
Next . . . “B” as in Be Still.
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