We make promises, and promises are made to us. When my husband proposed to me, he asked me to promise him three things. I would never have an affair, I would take on his last name while finding a way to keep my maiden name, and I would I would commit to working through the hard times and not withdraw. Mind you I was hanging 700 feet in the air when these promised were asked of me! All humor aside, I agreed that fidelity and perseverance were critical for a marriage to succeed and had no problem making such promises and I expected the same in return.
I think we all grow up expecting various promises to be kept, even when they are not clearly articulated. We expect to be loved unconditionally by our parents. We expect to be protected and to grow up feeling safe. We expect our spouse to remain faithful. We expect people to tell us the truth and treat us with dignity. If we grew up in a religious background, we were taught we could expect God to be true to his promises—to be with us, and never abandon us.
What happens when the promises we thought we could trust were broken? The short answer: our basic sense of trust is shattered. While this is a short answer, it is quite complex. When our trust is broken, we cannot believe in promises. Without trust in promises, it is difficult to hope. The disappointment experienced from broken promises is devastating, so why hope that God and people will follow through on their word? As a child we dreamed of the happily ever after, but following broken promises we exchanged our hope-filled imagination for new rules. Don’t get close to people, for they will disappoint you. Don’t feel, for no one will validate you. Don’t vocalize your needs and wants, for they will not be met. We build up our fortress walls to never again be hurt by broken promises. We become independent and self-sufficient. We learn to take care of ourselves; to be the supplier of our own needs. We are filled with anxiety, always looking over our shoulder awaiting the next disappointment. It is lonely, but we do not have to stay here forever.
To repair the damage, we have to step out of our fortress, or at least open the door. Many of us secretly wish for someone to bust through our walls, to reach in and rescue us from ourselves. We want God to break through our hardened hearts. The problem is, while we may long for this, when others step in without our ready invitation, it feels like more threatening penetration. We must take the risk and ask for others to see us.
We only learn to trust again by trying it. We must learn to listen to our gut as we discern who is safe. And if our gut says, “Go ahead,” we can take a few steps toward letting others see our hearts. If we are met with compassion, then take a few more steps forward. Eventually the positive experiences become enough to convince us we can trust again.
When it comes to trusting in God’s promises, we may need to reframe our expectations. For those of us shattered by broken promises, we may have become angry at God for not intervening and protecting us. We blame God for the injuries we incurred at the hands of others. God promised his Spirit would never leave us – He is Emmanuel, God with us. I found healing when I came to know that this promise meant God’s Spirit suffered with me. It began when I realized that the sins of another not only hurt me, but also God. God indeed never left me even when I broke my promises to remain His faithful bride.
Next . . . “Q” as in Questions.
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