The first time I went snorkeling, I was hooked. I was nine years old and lucky enough to be vacationing in St. Thomas. Everyday my dad would take my brother and me out into the bay to explore the tropical water. Fast forward six years and the scene repeats, only further south in Aruba.
Snorkeling in Aruba was amazing! I got to explore a sunken ship and feed the parrot fish. My dad, brother, and I were growing brave in our snorkeling skills. We were snorkeling in a small bay bordered off by a man-made rock barrier. We had heard that just beyond the rocks was a plane crash we could explore. The water on the surface was perfectly calm and so we set out towards the rocks. As we reached the rocks, the surface remained still, but the current was strong. As I tried to swim away from the rocks, the current pulled me back and under. I swam until I exhausted myself, but I could not break away from the undertow. I began to panic; calling out for my giant father. He and my brother were beyond the danger and did not seem to understand the trouble I was experiencing. I gave up trying to get beyond the rocks and turned back toward the beach. I swam a long and lonely journey back to safety.
Healing is about paying attention to the under current.
This weekend, I confronted a strong current in my life – jealousy and envy. The surface water looks fairly calm in this season of my life. My children are all in preschool. This may sound like a lot of chaos, but having three children all within a year, their newfound independence and ability to entertain one another means I have time to breathe without someone constantly needing something. When people visit our family they usually comment on how calm everything appears. As a therapist, my job is to remain cool, calm, and collected and these three “C’s” come natural for me, at least on the surface. The undertow started pulling me under this weekend.
I am blessed with that perfect younger brother. You know the type, tall, good-looking, athletic, successful, and a natural leader. I have always felt like the frumpy, awkward, chubby, old hag in comparison. The key word here is comparison. When I examine my life in the shadow of my brother it looks like failure. In the undercurrent, I compared and wished I was someone else. This weekend was about recognizing the danger I was facing. Jealousy and envy were damaging my soul. I had to get out of harm’s way. I had to confess and deal with my sinfulness (okay, I am still actively working on this.)
This weekend, and most every weekend, I encountered healing water. This water is at church. As I walk into the worship space, I pass the baptismal font flowing with holy water. It is tradition to dip your fingers in the water and make the sign of the cross touching your head, heart, and shoulders. This ritual is to remind the worshipper of their baptism and the vows made. It is a ritual reminder that I am called to a life of holiness; to sacredness. It is a reminder that I am called to be the me I was created to be, to live the vocation I was called to live. It is a reminder to get out of the undertows of sinfulness and destruction.
As I dipped my finger and crossed myself, I was deeply aware that I needed to get out of the undertow of jealousy and envy. I need to move into the path of holiness, step into the path that pursues the Sacred, for it is there I will find healing and restoration.
Next . . . “X” as in Excavate.
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