Invisible Pilgrimage

When I picture the life I believe God has called me to live, I see a woman who has dignity and respect for others.  I see a woman who approaches those around her with gentleness, grace, and compassion.  I envision a woman who is not ashamed of her faith; whose life is a prayer offering.  When I reflect on this image, I am filled with assurance.  Yes, I am called to live this way.  I fall way short.

In reality, I am no different that St. Peter.  I deny Christ and the life I have been called to live.  I sacrifice my identity, my integrity, and my source of true vitality in exchange for a quick laugh and fleeting approval from others.

Hello, my name is Heather, and I am a sinner.  

Over the past several weeks, the theme of pilgrimage has invaded my thoughts.  It started with a couple of movies, Into the Wild (about a young man who wanders the country and finally Alaska living off the land) and The Way (a film about the Camino Walk in Spain).  Then I read a fascinating novel, The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry.  And to top it, while ironing clothes one day, I watched a documentary on the Appalachian Trail.  

I have sectioned hike portions of the AT and have dreamed and pondered about thru hiking the entire 2500 miles.  I daydream about the Camino and other long hikes.  There is something about backpacking that brings me back to my core being.  Perhaps it is the hours of quiet, or the need to focus directly on the step in front of me that keeps my mind from wandering beyond the present moment. Or maybe it is the primitive aspect of roughing it that leads to a disregard toward physical appearance or social approval.  Regardless, I often hear the trails calling me back.  It has been eight years since my last backpacking trip.  

The trails are calling.  But this time, it is not to get back to nature.  I am feeling called to a pilgrimage.  Called to a journey; a path towards something I cannot yet imagine.  My situation in life does not allow for me to abandon my responsibilities and start walking.  I am pondering what a spiritual pilgrimage might look like.  To create space to focus on the step directly in front of me.  Space to confront the part of me that seeks social approval over a life of holiness.  Space to get back to my most primal source of life – God.

I have not left yet.  I am still figuring out what exactly this pilgrimage will look like.  Some things I believe it will include are a daily examination of conscience as suggested by St. Ignatius and reading the Daily Office (for my non-Catholic friends, this is Scripture reading and prayer during several marked periods throughout the day).  I see it including writing and a step back from mundane entertainment and time-wasting/mind-numbing activities.  I fear this is another one of my enthusiastic ideas that have several days of zeal followed by an abrupt quitting.  Consistency and sticking with an idea until it runs its full course is not my strong suit.  In light of this, I need a clear destination (right now I am thinking the Advent Nativity and the birth of Christ).  And I am likely going to need fellow pilgrims along the way.  If not other pilgrims, then at least encouragement and support from onlookers.  With that statement, this is now an invitation if anyone would like to take a virtual pilgrimage with me, a person with no clear direction and no set departure date.  I invite your companionship.